I've given up...again...

Years ago, I gave up on the idea of being a "fan". At one point, I followed teams, players, actors and other entertainers with great interest...actually, a little bit too much so. A loss by my Yanks or Vols meant few hours of sleep and much disappointment and anxiety. Sure, part of it was a competitive nature and part of it was ego. There was something about seeing "my" team win that seemed to feed ego and subsequently fuel conventional wisdom. Since conventional wisdom is ultimately about measuring up--comparing one to another in an effort to come out "on top", my team's success meant a boost to my ego. That, and hours of sleeplessness, made me realize that maybe being a fan of something or someone, wasn't really in this Human Being's best interest. In other words, the Human side of me which naturally gravitates toward conventional wisdom (because of its social prominence) was overshadowing the Being side that truly didn't give a damn about those things and saw them for what they were: trivial measures.

The Being took over and I left behind much of that competitive spirit connected to being a "fan". Giving up that attachment felt great. Liberating. Freeing. Sure I still went to the football and basketball games. I probably even went to more movies than ever before, and quite frankly, I was having a blast. I began to just enjoy what "is" without being so focused on what it was saying about me.

Then, I slipped. I became a fan once again. I started caring. There were plenty of examples: I reluctantly got behind Lane Kiffin--yes, there was something there that didn't jive with me, but I became a fan. I got behind the basketball Vols...as I always do. The native Hoosier in me even took an interest in Gordon Hayward and Butler's run to the Final Four (which I picked in my bracket by the way: insert pat on back here...see the ego isn't dead yet!). I had bought wholeheartedly, once again, into being a fan.

Sunday morning I realized that my 'fanship' had prompted me to walk hand-in-hand with conventional wisdom again. Further, I was caring...about things that I couldn't possibly control. Things that really could only feed ego, which is a huge component of the conventional. So, when I woke up Sunday morning and was going through some news of the week, there was one tidbit that helped wake me up to this. Gordon Hayward had announced earlier in the week that he was going pro; and it ticked me off.

The logical side of me, said, "Sure...if you're projected late first round and can project next year into a lottery or top five pick--you stay. If you can't (which he probably can't)--you go. There. After all, when all of the Final Four hype around this guy settles, he'll be a role player at best in the NBA...better to capitalize on the hype and sell clubs on the potential upside, right? Sign a seven or eight figure deal and be set, right?"

Okay...it all made sense. Did I feel better? No. I was still ticked. Remember, I had become a fan of this kid. Ordinarily, I don't have a problem with a college guy going pro. If he can secure financial stability for his family in one stroke of the pen, great for him. I took no issue at all with Eric Berry jumping ship. Why did I have such a problem with Hayward? One word: Hypocrisy. Berry was jumping a sinking ship. Number 14 on the 2010 Vols football roster might mean six wins. Ooooh! Did you feel the earth move? No reason to hang around to witness a .500 record and a lame bowl appearance.

Hayward on the other hand is a different story. Butler could have done something special next year. His return would have meant a Top 5 preseason ranking and potentially another run at a Final Four and a national championship. Hayward's obligation to his team did not end with the turning of the seasonal calendar. All this crap about 'team' and the 'guy next to you' was ultimately just bullshit because, ultimately, it was really about him--not his team. Him. His need for the big bucks. It wasn't about his teammate. It was about him and his need for fame and cash. His true colors emerged. The Butler Way quickly merged with the Way Often Traveled. Hayward dashed out of this little boyscout camp he had been promoting in exchange for the Playboy Mansion the second Hugh called. Damn, the little hypocrit! I was ticked. How could he be out there selling this puritanistic, euphoric 'Butler Way' only to leave for the greed of the NBA a mere few whistles later?

Then it hit me. I had become a fan. I cared about him. Just like I had been upset at the way Kiffin treated Vol fans when bolting for the coast. Or, when Tyler Smith et al, was charged with weapon/drug possession on New Year's Day. Instead of enjoying the moment...the 'is' of life...I had, once again, fallen into the ego-driven world of fanship. I had, once again fallen prey to conventional wisdom and it's never ending drive of measuring up to the world around us. After all, we're always communicating by those we're a fan of, right? Yankee and Cub fans make a distinctly different statement about themselves by just being a fan of their respective teams. And suddenly, being a fan of this Gordon guy didn't mean anything special because he was just like everyone else.

Why did I slip? Why did I return to 'fandom'. I don't know. Conventional wisdom is pretty alluring, as it was for Hayward. It has plenty of lures to trap you. The ego inflating whispers come from the mouth of conventional wisdom all the time. It begs you to invest in caring about how you measure up to your neighbor or brother. You have to be richer, drive a nicer car, have a nicer home, a bigger tv.  If you don't...well, then you're nothing...yada-yada-yada.

Give me a break! Conventional wisdom has always led to two things: suffering and division. Now, I'm back on track. I've given up...again...on being a fan. Yes, I'll still enjoy sports, movies and music. I'll enjoy them like I love rollercoasters! Knowing full well, that the ride is controlled by someone else. Knowing that there are plenty of peaks and valleys...some at a high rate of speed...but also knowing that stepping on a rollercoaster is just a 3-minute joyride. After all, who would want to live on a rollercoaster! So, Go Yankees. Go Vols and good luck Hayward. I'm not the fan I once was, but rather an interested party just along for the ride and enjoying whatever is.

Thanks for reading...
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